Stuff Rhonda Writes

Three wishes for you today.

I was blessed with some pretty great podcasts this week. In one, the speaker signed off by wishing us Joy, Possibility and Goodness. That just spoke to me on so many levels. I feel like those are the three things missing for us all these days.
Joy. It is your birthright to experience joy! I have a tendency to deny myself joy, as if it is a selfish thing to do something purely for myself that would make me happy. It has taken me going on 50 years to learn this and I still struggle to allow myself a little piece of joy, but did you know the heart pumps blood to itself first? Only after it has an ample amount of blood does it start sending it on down to the other limbs.
Possibility. In this pandemic, our possibilities have shrunk. Possibilities to attend school, graduate, get married, travel overseas, meet new babies, throw a party, run a marathon, attend a concert... Pay raises, bonuses or new jobs may not be possible... purchasing a home, remodeling a home, or paying rent for that matter just may be outside of what is possible today. I have realized that while dreams and hopes are dashed or at the very least, put on hold, they can still exist, but maybe we have to find them in different forms. Today, I hope you are able to re-imagine new possibilities for yourself and your loved ones.
Goodness. I was at a busy intersection today and I saw bubbles float past my windshield. I looked to my right and the driver in the car beside me was blowing bubbles to me! I probably wouldn’t have the courage to do this, but what a great idea. The lawn guys in the truck next to her got some bubbles too. I hope you will find some goodness in the world this weekend. I doubt you’ll see a lady blowing bubbles to you at the stoplight, but maybe you will find goodness in the smile of your child, the delight of your dog when he greets you at the door, or maybe the moonlit sky on an autumn night. Here’s to hoping you find all three of these things this weekend

Scared and stuck. Have you maybe felt that same way for the last seven months? I know I have. And when you are scared and stuck, I think the next thing that spills out is anger. My little dog loves to snuggle under a blanket, but if he wraps himself in it too tightly, or feels trapped, he starts barking and growling and fighting to free himself from the blanket, almost as if he’s fighting another dog. He is scared and stuck, quite literally. The uncertainty of this pandemic only compounds the other heavy “stuff” we were already wrestling back in March. For me, I think I have nursed a quiet rage that simmers just beneath the surface of my fairly calm and quiet exterior. You don’t see it, but I’m like my puppy who is growling and snapping and fighting to break free from that blanket. I have raged over our fractured country, and the meanness on social media. I rage over relationships in my family and things I didn’t see coming. I rage over the now constant battle with growing older: the health issues, the wrinkles and gray hair, a body that gains weight despite diet and exercise, the hormones that make me cry at the weirdest times, and keep me up at night but make me want to stay in bed in the morning. I rage over the fact that my kids are leaving home, and leaving me without a purpose. It is a heavy blanket of fear I struggle underneath, and as calm as I am, I have noticed cracks in the calm lately, and I don’t like it. So, I am turning to what I know to do to feel better: write. And today, with about a month to go before our country’s presidential election, I think I need to do a little writing every day. I’m also trying hard to turn to my faith. My faith has changed a lot over the last five years, and I’m struggling to figure out where I fit, but one thing I know for sure is that God loves me, he loves you, and when I act out because I am scared and stuck, He gets it. He is not tired of us. Isaiah 40:28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

Today is his last full day at home. Today is his last day as the “Middle Child.” For 18 years, he has always gotten behind the oldest, and put his younger brothers and sister’s needs before his own. It is hard to believe he is leaving because he has always been so loving and fiercely protective, and responsible for his little brother, his younger sister, his friends, his teammates. He has always had everyone’s back. Now it is his turn to shine. Love my Cullen. We sat in the pool late Sunday afternoon as I spouted off all of the life lessons I wanted him to remember, as if it were a grocery list. When I had finished, we were quiet for a few minutes and then he said, “What else?” For all of these years, he has been quietly observing, quietly loving, quietly caring about all of the people around him. At 6’2”, we always call him Big Boy. I am fiercely proud of him, and of his quiet intelligence, his willingness to never leave anyone behind, his gentle and kind spirit. He immediately dismissed going to Baylor almost as soon as he was admitted, but somehow by May, he had made a 180 and decided it was the place for him. I know he has found his spot there, in a place full of servant leaders who will teach him to do the same. Go Big Boy! Go walk into everything you were born to be and do.

Who are you when no one needs you? For the last 24 years, I have been a mom and have stood, at the ready, with purse, car keys, coffee mug and readers so that I could drive, pay, wake up early, sign forms, cook food, clean up, help with homework. You name it. I have always been at my post. But now I’ve been wrestling with the question, “Who are you when no one needs you?” My youngest son enters 8th grade this fall so I’m on a five year plan to figure this out. Would love to hear your thoughts. Who are YOU when no one needs you?

I wrote this about three years ago when my oldest was going off to college. For all the mommas and papas with babies leaving the nest this week. This is for you...