Clean from Ganja.

⚠️WARNING⚠️ This first post may trigger some.

There's always the stigma around quitting G***a where people say "Oh its not that addictive" believe me I used to tell myself this all the time.

I used to tell myself.
"Oh it's just a herb"

And that's true.

Then I quit and realized I was getting cold sweats at night on top of insomnia.
When I did manage to sleep.
My dreams were so vivid they'd wake me up.
I was having bad mood swings.
And feeling extra anxious everyday.
Me and my partner fought completely oblivious of how each other were feeling.
Realizing later...that we were fighting the same battle in our own minds

When I was heavily smoking it.
I was waiting on the next drop because my last gram was running low too fast. I had only bought it that morning.

Putting myself into debt every week waiting for the next paycheck so we could pay off our last tick and ask for another one

Trying to buy it in bulk wasnt helping because I just ended up smoking it in bulk.

In moments that were meant to be wholesome between me and my whanau.
All I was thinking about was "F**K I need a cone to do this"

When it came to putting them to bed.
Cones

When it came to cleaning up the house.
Cones.

When I finished picking my kid up from daycare.
Cones.

When i finished showering the kids.
Cones.

After cooking dinner
Cones.
At family events I'd be high as a kite and laughing ignorantly at the fact that everybody could tell I WAS and that my kids were picking up on my behaviour change.

If I woke up too early in the morning.
I would have cones just to help me sleep.

It was to a point where I depended on it to function throughout the day and depended on it to regulate my own emotions to help me sleep.

I depended on it to help me talk to my partner calmly.
I depended on it to talk to my kids calmly.

And it felt GREAT when I was on it.
But the cutback on energy when I was on the come downs was so costly.

I was snapping at my kids and partner.
And just reacting aggressively at EVERYTHING when I didn't have it on me.

I realized I wasn't going to get better for them unless I had cut this "Herb" out of my life

Now don't get me wrong.
Me and Mary Jane. We go way back and we've had a lot of good times.

Mary Jane helped me get through some tough times in my life and I feel like she walked me through a lot of them and helped me to keep my peace.

But as the years went on.

I slowly realized it was draining my energy.
It wasn't helping me anymore.
It was holding me back from my potential.
I realized that the feeling of comfort and regulation it was giving me became my crutch.

So much so that I couldn't have gone a morning without it.
I've been sober 3 and a half weeks now.
And I can say that: though I am exhausted from being up all night.

This is the best I've felt after 5 years of smoking it.

I know to you that, THAT time length is probably not NEARLY as much as you've been on it.

But to me that was 5 years of this relationship between me and Mary Jane.

5 years of feeling anxious everyday waiting for the dealer to decide if they wanted to suss me some or not.

5 years of smoking and living in closed curtained rooms because the world was too bright and loud.

5 years of doing what I now see is the bare minimum for my whanau.

5 years of trying to show up for them but showing up high and half pai, ka pai.

5 years of telling myself "Oh its to help me think properly" even though it made me forget my morale obligations as a human being, partner, brother, son and father.

The initial reason I got so addicted to Mary Jane was because I was going through depression, anxiety AND PTSD.

Believe me. I know those three won't ever leave me.

But I'm finding it easier to manage them now I'm sober.

And most people say "Aw just quit"

But it wasn't that easy to, when I smoked it.
Every now and then I get in the back of my mind "Maybe just getting one gram won't hurt"

But then I ignore it.
Because I know that, that one gram could turn into 2.5 and 2.5 could turn into 7 and before I know it.

I'm spending $2-300 dollars I don't have a week trying to get more of it.

Wasting away my already depleted energy.
And what I get paid weekly.

I can honestly say.

I'm happy I'm sobering up.

Because now.

Now I can play with my kids. Without feeling so drained all the time.
Now I can talk to them calmly without it
I can sit with them properly and listen to them without zoning out into cloud 9.

Now I can clean my house instead of wallowing in the mess I've let it become.
And feel good just seeing it and knowing it's all done.

Me and my partner don't argue as much as we used to.

Me and my kids have the best relationship I feel we've had in a long time.

And honestly I can feel.

Believe me I can feel everything.

The ups the downs the forwards and back arounds.

And I wouldn't trade this for any cone/Joint/spot.

I don't judge others for smoking it.

And when I smell it from anywhere yes it triggers my inner stoner.

But the most I do is inhale the air around me and continue walking knowing that "That ain't me no more" 💪💪

that ain't me no more.