ALA Wellness

I've been thinking about shame — and how often we use it to move people, especially around health.
We shame people into “should,” thinking it'll push them to change. But shame usually does the opposite: it makes us hide. We hide the truth — from ourselves, and from each other.
Yes, shame can be motivating. It can make someone take action. But is that true growth? I don't think so. When we genuinely embrace something, our identity grows with it and we come away empowered. Shame doesn't offer that.
So here's the pause worth taking: am I trying to move this person through growth and invitation — or through shame? (And it's worth asking that of ourselves, too.)
If a growth-and-invitation approach is what you want more of, the Regulate & Relate Workshop is here: https://www.alanm.org/regulate-and-relate-workshop
This content is for general educational purposes and reflects a wellness perspective. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any condition. Please consult a qualified healthcare provider about your individual health.

I keep coming back to safety — and how much of our truth can only emerge when we feel safe.
There's an internal safety and an external safety in every relationship. And really, safety comes down to one promise: whatever emerges, I will still listen, and I'll still be here with you.
That can be true for yourself, too. Can you sit with yourself and say: whatever my truths are — however contradictory, however ugly they might feel — I can still receive them and stay in relationship with myself? And then offer that same safety to someone else.
So I wonder: where in your day could you create a little more safety — inside yourself, and with the people you love?
If you'd like to build that kind of safety more intentionally, the Regulate & Relate Workshop is here: https://www.alanm.org/regulate-and-relate-workshop
This content is for general educational purposes and reflects a wellness perspective. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any condition. Please consult a qualified healthcare provider about your individual health.

While making these videos, a quiet voice keeps popping up. It asks: what if it doesn't sell? What if I can't create? What if it doesn't grow into what I hope it becomes?
And then my heart spoke up. It said: we have already been changed by the experience. We have gained so much just by going through this process ourselves. And maybe we underestimate how much we are created by what we create.
Maybe, in the end, that's what matters more.
So whatever you're working on — whatever you're creating — I hope you pause and notice how it's creating you.
If you're building something and want support staying grounded through it, the Regulate & Relate Workshop is here: https://www.alanm.org/regulate-and-relate-workshop
This content is for general educational purposes and reflects a wellness perspective. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any condition. Please consult a qualified healthcare provider about your individual health.

Imagine you're hiking through canyon country, and you come to the edge. You look over, and you have to make a decision about that edge.
Navigating relationships is a lot like being that hiker. Sometimes we're in capacity — able to stay connected, stay curious, stay present. And sometimes we come to our own edge, where we get defensive, or angry, or critical, or we shut down and stonewall the other person.
Here's the shift: maturity isn't never reaching your edge. It's recognizing when you're at it.
So here's your question for today: am I still in my comfort zone, or have I reached an edge — and what do I need when I get there?
If you want to build more of that capacity, the Regulate & Relate Workshop is where we go deeper: https://www.alanm.org/regulate-and-relate-workshop
This content is for general educational purposes and reflects a wellness perspective. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any condition. Please consult a qualified healthcare provider about your individual health.

I've been rethinking what regulation actually means.
I used to think it was just calming your nervous system down. But lately I've been wondering if that can quietly become a way of avoiding discomfort — and we can't always avoid discomfort.
So here's where I've landed: regulation is finding the capacity within to stay in relationship — with yourself, with the other person, with the situation. Sometimes that means I pause, I reorient, and then I re-enter. That's what having enough capacity looks like.
So I'll leave you with this: where in your day could you use a little more capacity?
If this is the kind of work that speaks to you, the Regulate & Relate Workshop is where we go deeper: https://www.alanm.org/regulate-and-relate-workshop

This content is for general educational purposes and reflects a wellness perspective. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any condition. Please consult a qualified healthcare provider about your individual health.

I heard something about apathy and stagnation that completely changed how I relate to them.
Instead of fighting the stagnation, I asked it: “What are you protecting me from?” And it answered. It was guarding against the unknown. Against loss. Against the vulnerability of actually knowing what I want.
That shift — from “what's wrong with me” to “what is this trying to protect” — is the whole heart of the work I do.
So here's your question: where in your life could you ask stagnation what it's keeping you safe from?
If this way of relating to yourself resonates, the Regulate & Relate Workshop is where we go deeper: https://www.alanm.org/regulate-and-relate-workshop

This content is for general educational purposes and reflects a wellness perspective. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any condition. Please consult a qualified healthcare provider about your individual health.

I caught myself doing something in my own relationship this week.

Before a hard conversation with my partner, I’d already run the whole argument in my head — predicted what he’d say, what I’d say back, all of it. So by the time we actually talked, I wasn’t really talking to him. I was arguing with the version of him I’d made up in my mind.

And that isn’t fair. It doesn’t give him the chance to be authentic, and it doesn’t give me the chance to actually be present with him.

So here’s the small shift I’m practicing: when I notice I’m predicting someone’s response, I slow down and get curious instead. What would you really say? I don’t have to predict it — I can just be here with you.

Where in your day could you trade predicting for presence?

If you want to practice this kind of presence and co-regulation in your own relationships, that’s the heart of my Regulate & Relate Workshop: https://www.alanm.org/regulate-and-relate-workshop

I had a client come to me wanting to make a change in her lifestyle.

My instinct was to hand her a plan — a tidy list of things to do. Instead, I slowed down and asked one question: “What’s the first thing you want to change?”

Then I did the harder part. I stayed quiet. I let her sit with it, name her own concerns, and land on her own answer. And when she did, the buy-in was hers, not mine: “Yeah. That’s where I’m going to start.”

I keep wondering how often we rush to correct the person in front of us, when what they really need is someone willing to stay beside them while their own answer reveals itself.

Where could you offer that today?

If slowing down and being with what’s here — instead of rushing to fix it — is the kind of work you want to explore, come see what the Regulate & Relate Workshop is about: https://www.alanm.org/regulate-and-relate-workshop

There’s a strange kind of relief that comes the moment we admit something we’d rather keep hidden — even from ourselves.

Maybe part of us is saying: I really don’t want to forgive. I really am angry. I really do want to punish.

We don’t have to act on any of it. But when we can admit it, speak it, and witness it, that part gets to relax — it no longer has to defend itself. And a quiet calmness comes.

Maybe that’s where internal safety actually comes from: being able to sit with all the aspects of ourselves and say, “Thank you for telling me. Together, we’ll keep exploring.”

Come practice this with me in the Regulate & Relate Workshop → https://www.alanm.org/regulate-and-relate-workshop

The best relief isn’t being proven right. It’s being seen.

After a hard moment, I didn’t need someone to agree with me. I needed someone to say: “Yeah, I see what you’re worried about. I see what your protector is upset about.” That shared vigilance meant everything.

It’s like a dog barking at the window. It won’t settle until someone finally looks out and says, “I see it too — we can take care of this together.” Then it can rest.

Your protector isn’t trying to win. It’s asking you to acknowledge that it’s guarding something that really matters. So today — what is your protector protecting?

Want to practice this kind of self- and co-regulation? Join the Regulate & Relate Workshop: https://www.alanm.org/regulate-and-relate-workshop

This content is for general educational purposes and reflects a wellness perspective. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any condition. Please consult a qualified healthcare provider about your individual health.