Healing With Faiyth

Celebrating you a little different.
We love you. 🫶🏽

One of the questions I’ve been asked the most is whether we knew about his cancer before we got married.

The answer is yes.

I found this video a couple nights ago and remember it so vividly. There was this feeling that came over me, something both him and I were avoiding saying out loud.

We were lying in bed when I asked if we should take money out of the trust. He asked why, and I said reluctantly, “to help prepare for funeral costs.”

It wasn’t random. We’d organised everything from the moment we found out his diagnosis. But that night, there was this gut feeling… almost like a shift in energy.

He looked at me and said exactly this, “Yeah babe, I don’t feel like I have long.”

I wasn’t ready to hear that. He’d been so positive through everything. But that’s when I realised he knew his body better than I did. He just didn’t want to worry me.

We cried that night. I remember pulling out my phone to record him hugging me. I think it was our last proper hug before his body became weak.

18 days later, he spread his wings 🕊️

Birthday prep looks a little different these days. It’s part excitement and part heartbreak but if there’s one thing I’ll always do, it’s make sure our babies still feel celebrated.
Core memories don’t make themselves. 🎀

Te Mātahi o Te Tau ✨

One of our favourite times of the year, and one of my kids favourite memories with their daddy.

Yesterday we attended a hautapu at TWOM. It was beautiful watching my kids experience something different to what our usual Matariki looks like while we still hold close the traditions we’ve created as a whānau and will continue to carry on each year.

Today marks nine months.

In nine months I’ve learnt how to do life without you and I’m still learning.

I’ve learnt how to make decisions on my own.
How to navigate grief while raising four children, three for the most part.
How to sit in an empty house.
How to survive days I didn’t think I’d survive.

I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve broken.
But one thing I haven’t done yet is heal.

I'm starting to think that, that’s because healing isn’t something you finish.

Today, like many days before it I’m heading to the urupā. 🤍

When everyone left this night, our home carried the heaviest silence I’d ever known but then your baby sat beside her daddy, singing her grief out loud.
For me this moment has stuck with me since 💔😭