Renew You

CREATE IN ME A NEW SOUL.

God, create in me a new soul—not because I want to forget who I was, but because I need You to heal what grief has changed in me.

Since my husband transitioned, I have slowly watched myself change. There are days I don’t recognize the woman looking back at me. My anger is stronger. My heart feels colder. My thoughts have gone places I never thought they would go.

Even the little things tell the story.

Everybody knows I love my high heels, but lately I find myself wearing tennis shoes. When I put those heels on, sometimes I feel like I’m forcing myself to be the old me when the old me doesn’t feel like she exists anymore.

I’m hurting.

And if I’m being completely honest, sometimes I feel like I’m getting close to unleashing all this pain on everybody around me.

BUT GOD…

Before this pain changes me into somebody I don’t want to be, CREATE IN ME A NEW SOUL.

Take this anger and give me peace.
Take this bitterness and give me forgiveness.
Take this coldness and warm my heart again.
Take these dark thoughts and replace them with thoughts that bring life.
Take everything grief has broken and teach me how to rebuild.

I don’t want to become a crueler version of myself because I was deeply hurt.

I want to become a stronger, wiser, healed version of me.

I don’t need to go back to the woman I was before my husband transitioned.

I need God to create a new woman in me—one who has survived the storm without becoming the storm.

Lord, save my heart.
Save my mind.
Save my spirit.
Save the woman underneath all this pain.

CREATE IN ME A NEW SOUL.
AND WHEN YOU’RE FINISHED, LET ME STILL RECOGNIZE ME.

I can see and feel my life in this picture.

The losses.
The heartache.
The unanswered questions.
The nights of tears.
The moments when getting out of bed feels like a battle.
The times I’m surrounded by people but still feel alone.
The moments when my mind is overwhelmed and I just stare, trying to make sense of it all.

Grief doesn’t always look like crying. Sometimes it looks like silence. Sometimes it looks like staring into space. Sometimes it looks like showing up, smiling, and pretending you’re okay while your heart is fighting a battle nobody can see.

I’m learning that I don’t have to apologize for the moments when I’m not okay.

And maybe that’s what strength looks like sometimes—not having it all together, but continuing to show up while your heart is still learning how to live with what it has lost.
There’s a whole story behind these eyes that most people will never know.

But through it all, I’m still here.
Still praying.
Still holding on.
Still trying.
Still believing that God has more for me.

This picture caught me off guard… because for once, I could actually see what my heart has been feeling. ❤️‍🩹

If you’re dealing with grief, I want you to remember this: YOU are the purpose. ❤️

Take care of YOU. It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes, because if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t have the strength to take care of anyone else.

I know the hardest part can be getting out of that bed and convincing yourself to keep going with life. Some mornings, just getting up, getting dressed, and facing the day feels like a victory—and it is.

Start your morning with prayer. Talk to God. Tell Him exactly how you feel. Cry if you need to. Be honest with Him. Then be still and listen for His voice. 🙏🏽

God may not take the pain away overnight, but He will give you the strength to make it through one day at a time.

Don’t rush your healing. Don’t feel guilty for having bad days. Give yourself grace. Your loved one may be gone, but your life still has purpose.

Keep getting up. Keep praying. Keep breathing. Keep believing.

There is still more life for you to live, and there is still purpose in you. ❤️🙏🏽

RENEW Y❤️U !!!!

Grief will cause you to lose so much of yourself if you’re not careful. It can make getting out of bed feel impossible. You can feel tired all the time, with no energy to work or face the world. You begin hiding from people. Your mind becomes cloudy, and even thinking clearly can feel impossible.

Sometimes being home feels like a war zone because every room holds a memory. The smallest thing can trigger an anxiety attack. You may hear your husband breathing in your mind or remember something as simple as waiting for him to bring you lunch—then suddenly realize he will never walk through that door again.

You wake up throughout the night with tears streaming down your face, wondering how you are going to make it through another day.

But through it all, I am learning to thank God anyway. I may be hurting. I may be tired. I may cry when no one is looking. But my faith in God is what keeps me sane. 🙏🏽

Grief has tried to take so much from me, but it will not take my faith. God is still keeping me, even through the tears.

Grief can make you feel like you’re stuck in a place you never asked to be. Some days you may feel strong, and other days simply getting through the day may feel like an accomplishment. Give yourself permission to grieve at your own pace.

You don’t have to “get over” your loss. You learn to carry the love, the memories, and the moments with you while slowly finding your way forward.

There will be days when you laugh again, and you may even feel guilty for being happy. Don’t feel guilty. Your joy does not mean you’ve forgotten them. It means their love is still part of you.

When the pain feels heavy:

* Take it one day at a time.
* Give yourself grace.
* Talk about the person you miss.
* Cry when you need to cry.
* Rest when you need to rest.
* Hold on to the good memories.
* Pray when you don’t have the words.
* Remember that healing is not forgetting.

Grief changes you in ways words can’t always explain. Losing someone you love is hard enough, but dealing with hurt from family while you’re already grieving can make the journey even heavier. There are days when I feel stuck, unable to move forward with my life. The brain fog from depression makes it difficult to focus, make decisions, or even feel like myself.

Still, I refuse to give up.

My faith reminds me that even when I can’t see the way forward, God is walking beside me. Gospel music has become the soundtrack that lifts my spirit when my heart feels too heavy to carry. Prayer gives me strength when I have none left and peace when my mind is overwhelmed.

Healing isn’t always quick, and it isn’t always easy. Some days, simply getting through the day is a victory. I’m learning to give myself grace, trust God’s timing, and believe that joy will return.

If you’re carrying grief, family hurt, depression, or simply feel stuck, know that you’re not alone. Keep praying. Keep believing. Keep holding on. God is still working, even in the middle of your pain.

Three words from my counselor that had stuck with me

CIRCUMSTANCES- What happened ( My husband transitioned)

REALITY- You can’t change it

CHOICES- What are you going to do about it?

Think about those three words and incorporate them into your life.

It’s time to RENEW Y💔U 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

I’m really struggling with staying on task because of the losses I’ve taken. Mentally unable to think about it without crying. I’ve had two family members to transition in May. I want to talk with you all without crying but the tears won’t stop falling. 😥💔