Hairapy by Melissa Penrose

Trigger Warning!!
“ I am Jane Doe” I was sexually abused around 4 years old, abused throughout my childhood till I felt strong enough to say.”I don’t want to go there anymore. “ I had been date r***d & people thought it was funny. I learned at a very young age nobody believes you. There is something wrong with you. Then in Highschool attended a Self defense course just in case you are attacked! Have always been on high alert, walk with keys in my fist, be aware of your surroundings, look in your back seat, look around, walk in a pack, don’t go alone, call when you get home, tag your location, do background checks on men you start to date, do you see the pattern????? Who is to blame??

I saw my Psychiatrist on Monday & she told me she was seeing more people right now. That I wasn’t alone being triggered by this. I’m so tired of it being “Not believed” as that happened as a child, that it’s our fault, our responsibility, that we need to be on high alert 24/7, that we are attacked not only sexually, physically but mentally & emotionally, & it never seems to end in a World where our Political & higher standing people constantly get away with it, How are the next generation to learn & know it’s not ok when these people get away with it. We start by convicting & placing responsibility on the Abuser, the sexual abuser, I don’t care who you are, let’s start by teaching kids about common decency, respecting others, trusting our guts, trusting when something feels off, telling kids it’s ok to not want to hug someone. As someone who has gone through this please know I am always here for others, if I can’t help you I will walk with you to find someone who can.

2 years ago the Hurricane changed my life when everything was taken from me. Also identifying my friend’s dead body in the morgue as a Jane Doe. I’m not back in my house like some other people. The frustration, sadness, confusion, depression, anxiety, ptsd, blurred memory are all real to me. What was once my future that I put my $, heart & soul into is gone. I’m fighting hard to make it, to overcome, to survive the days I think why did this happen, why do I seem to have a string of bad things happen?? I’m sharing because some people need to be aware I’m not back in my house, & I’m not alone in this. I get so frustrated wondering what could I have done different. What can I do to make things better? Yes my heart is broken. If you think I’m in Victim mode. Walk in my shoes & then tell me you would do things differently. I’m a Survivor walking in this World. I’ve survived childhood Abuse, a cheating husband & this. Starting over every time. As I sit here alone wondering at 56 “What is my next step??” That’s a Survivor not someone that gives up.

Tonight I was having a message with a long time friend. I was having a bad night & struggling. The comments made helped me. Thank you! Hope to share in comments.

Beauty outside today

Throw back to 90’s Seven Springs Hair Show when I modeled for Rusk

Wanted to share my experience trying to find therapy. My 1st attempt was not a therapist but a Coach who I seriously thought I was being put in with a therapist(I am all for Coaching but in my situation I clearly need more) my so called 1st appt was the person going over the “Rules”, nothing more. 2nd attempt with therapist was Election Day & traffic was a nightmare & I called to say I was stuck in traffic & could we talk or start on the phone, I was told no & I couldn’t be seen for almost 2 weeks. I had completely lost it & went into an anger state. I felt like no matter how much I’m trying I get kicked. My sister-in-law called a Women’s Resource Center & got me right in. I did a Zoom Group that night with others in my situation. We will have in person Group this coming week. I also have an intake appt this coming week. I am praying that 3rd time is a charm.

How I feel right now

Perspective: Here is an attempt to start & try to be hopeful that this can be fixed when the water was even up higher but trying to dry out & get rid of mold & I’m being told about some 50% Rule that may end in my place being bulldozed down. I’m trying to stay positive but I’m struggling with everything going on. Im in Survivor Mode. I’m very blessed to have my family & friends who have reached out & been there for me.