Salty Heifer Salon

The fact that I cannot explode into a thousand bats to escape awkward social situations is a constant source of irritation.

Udderly Fabulous colors, layers, and curls❤️🐮

Dear weatherman, when I said I’d like to see 105 again, I meant my weight.

Therapist: You need to stop trying to fix broken people.
Me: But when you do it it’s okay, huh?

After being married for thirty one years I asked my husband to describe me. He looked over at me for a while, then said, “A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K.” I asked “What does that mean?” He said “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.” I smiled and said “What about I,J,K?” He said “I’m just kidding.” The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving the family jewels.

I bet the YMCA is a lot harder to do in Chinese.

I really like the idea of being someone’s peace. But sadly, I’m a liability.

It’s been awhile since I was called cantankerous. I must be doing something wrong.

Somebody stole my coworker’s money, so I asked how much? She said $350. I went to the restroom to count it…it was only $85. Why do people lie like that?