Shineology

- Let yourself be moved by all the goodness that surrounds you -

( beauty full life )

In this lifetime, I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes, in this time…

And this.
This lil shot.
Some wee bit of time ago + feels a lifetime ago.

Cast for breast cancer awareness.

I feel blessed.
I feel rocked.
I feel unlimited gratitude.

I sense more arriving.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned in all the ways possible as an athlete and in my own lived experience of high performance - is that there will always be another start line. That’s unlimited. Possibility until you personally decide to erase | take away | ignore | not engage, in ALL the possibility.

But the opportunities are always there.
And there are always choices. All ways.

The season may hold deep loss or repetitive interruption - injury; grief; distraction; avoidance; arrogance; repeated success; disbelief; poor timing.

( NOTE: I am definitely moving through a season of poor timing. LOL - can we please get me a new clock? )

I’m observing truly destructive behavior in human awareness lately:

Dishonesty
Stealing
Silent treatment
Ghosting
Cancel culture
Broken contracts
Broken word
All word no action
Giving up
Anger
Gossip
Lies
Relentless poor decisions
Zero accountability
Confusion at a level of chaos unimaginable

We are all witnessing this across the stages of leadership, love and life.

•

AND I’m witnessing incredible feats in human connection + belonging. In human performance. An agency of unreal kindness, in-formidable strength + human capacity of compassion that literally blows my mind + surges my heart to soar

Truth
Generosity
Communication
Belonging
Connection
Sacred Contracts
Promises
Action
Happiness
Persistence
Determination
Praise
Commitment
Discernment
Accountability
Peace

Choice: I am a person of the second set of character traits. Add joy! I wear my heart on my sleeve. I give all I do my everything!

I make mistakes. I call it learning. I own it + I show up! I’ll always be this way.

I say what I do. I do what I say.

At first this was a letter to honor my letting go of those who let me go.

It’s landed as the place of reintroducing myself: your nervous system support, your cognitive calm, your performance health. Elevate. Educate

I’m here.

( seize the day )

Lil ride b/w the lectures kind of day…

( Nancy’s bday in 5 days )

My first without her EVER in my life…

And my poor sweet momma
And brother
And our little village we call family. Kathy. Andrew. David. And most important to me - my absolutely cherished, Matthew. My “Mattman”

To say it’s not been easy is the biggest understatement.

To say I’m grieving is non-chalant.

To say I’m happy is a microcurrent that appears

Micro joy
Macro grief

Still
YEP!

I have experienced SO very many exquisite, blissful, awe filled and awful experiences in my life; and this one is all that rolled into a space I still don’t know how to describe.

My love has nowhere to go.
That to me, is grief.

It rises.
It fails.
It plummets.
It inspires.
It’s constant.

Constant in its loyalty, its appreciation, its loss, and its awesomeness. Pure. Whole. Completely incomplete.

Such a place that is no place.

Just some thoughts 5 days out…

If you think I’m good - I am.
And,

I’m not…

( let ‘em keep comin’ )

Sometimes those waves - they just keep coming’

Let them!
Surf them.
Submerge.
Float.
Let be.

One of those kinda rides…

Perspective is an athletes best view

( 62.8 km )

( stolen time )

Yes. This is the face of grief. And the joy that can be found working with it.

I’m a summer girl. A surfer vibe gal. And a true northerner we at heart - to my bones when it’s summer time - nothing keeps me from outside, curiousness and play. No heat. No skitters. No shad flies ( ) and even no drizzle. Summertime is my time to shine!

And it was a time of deep connection with my sister. My brain cannot let that pattern breathe differently yet. We romped through fields forests rivers and lakes every sweet scent of summer filing us. Age didn’t matter. It was us and summer!

Monday I found myself in my “hotter than hell” bedroom ( ac on the not working in my sweet lil mid century bungalow ) and I was alone. Crying. Frozen. Couldn’t get myself off the edge of my bed to get outside and soak in summers sweetness

Grief had completely closed me in

My sweet son supported me all he could. He’s grieving too. So hard. And we are doing our best!

A lil nudge in me said go. She said go. And so

I went.

I went to the place we were supposed to go to 4 years ago. Then 3. Then let’s just get through radiation. Then this surgery. Then it was I cannot but you go and bring all the videos and laughs and experiences you discovered there. The ones we would do together.

Because we had a sweet lil dream together.

I won’t reveal yet. Maybe. In time. If my courage takes hold.

And so this Monday through streaming tears and a gut wrenching grief I hadn’t yet felt my body ache with - I booked a lil piece of a wish my sister and I had wanted.

The June Motel

We both love this all sweet vibe. We are beach babes.

She would have loved every minute here. I have been so welcomed. So taken care of. And not one person here knew my purpose - to fulfill a lil dream that should have been with my sister.

I know my journals here are personal. And deep. And moving.

If you want them to be.

For me it is a revealing and a healing help to someone else as much as me.

Nothing else to add - simply my incredible joy at being treated normally, wholly + completely seen just because I’m one

This helped. Huge. It filled a cup I didn’t know needed such local love.

( so free )

Stepping even more completely into boundaries like the tender + tenacious being I am

Today is 8 months

I had a crazy great day. A normal day.

I shared my energy with humans that deserved me. All of me. The best of me.

What a tender way to live.
What a brave way to be.
What a reverently humble way to be.
Dawn to dusk : sunrise to sunset.
Being.

This surrendering into I am.

I no longer prove myself.
I know my worth, completely.
I honor my rising becoming.
I value my growing wisdom.
My whole being is vast.
I don’t bend til I break so another can springboard.

If you want. Me. Choose. Me. You call. Me. You text. Me. You check in on. Me. You show up for. Me.

I no longer make the first move.
That’s mine. For me.

Me. So free.